If you'd told me when I was 18 years old, hell 30, that at this stage in my life I would choose to be a stay at home mom (or SAHM), I would have laughed in your face. ME? Bitch you lying. But here I am, writing this post at 8:40 p.m. after a full day of wiping away spit up, doing laundry and encouraging my kid to embrace tummy time. I honestly never saw myself here. Truth be told, before I had a baby, I judged moms who made the decision to ditch their careers even though I was raised by a woman who made the same sacrifice. Frankly I thought this job was beneath me. Use all my intellect and talent to stay home and raise a kid? Fuck that. Except that's exactly what I'm doing.

Frankly, when I first found out that I was pregnant, I thought being a mother would be...easier. I was under no illusions that it would be an adjustment, but I thought it would be manageable to hold down a demanding job as a journalist (I was working from home after all), take care of two dogs (one of which is a 10 month old 75 pound Doberman), be a student pursuing a master's degree, a wife and a first time mama. WTF was I thinking? I'm a woman 2,200 miles away from her family and support system. I have no additional help besides my husband who has his own career.

At the rate I was going, a full blown mental breakdown was eminent. So, I made a choice. I decided to take a chance on a life that was of my own creation.

For the past 3 years I've been trying to work up the courage to bet on myself, to step off of whatever career trajectory I was on and do my own thing. I've always played it safe. Taken the "right" jobs, made the "right" friends--hell I even married the "right" man (thank God I actually love his ass). I can come across as super confident and daring but, when I look at my life, I realize that I've never taken a chance and colored outside of the lines. For too long I've sat on the sidelines cheering on people who've had the courage to actually chase their dreams.

Well, pass me the ball bitch because I've joined the game.

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy to be able to spend this time with my baby girl. I love the bond she and I are establishing and that I get to be here for all of her moments. But, that doesn't mean that being her mama, as amazing as that is, fulfills me. It just doesn't. To that end, I'm choosing to view me stepping away from my 9-to-5 as an opportunity to build my own brand.

I'm here to bet on me. My chips are all in and I'm believing that I'm talented enough to make a way for myself and my family.

But, the truth is, I'm scared of failing both as a mother and an entrepreneur. Most of the time, my life looks nothing like the women I compare myself to on social media. Currently, my days are spent doing all the things 22 year old me would shudder at. I wake up, feed my kid, kiss my husband bye as he heads to work, make a cup of coffee, feed the dogs, and entertain my 5 month old until Shep finally comes home. I make dinner while my husband does bath time then I try to carve out a few hours to work on my passion...THIS.

Brown Sugar & Bourbon was my baby before I gave birth to Nola. I've been talking about and working on this space for years. It's high-time I pour the same dedication I do into Nolie, into this site.  

I'm so proud the community I've built so far and so protective of all my InstaBesties, InstaCousins and InstaAunties. I know you'll continue to cheer me on as I stumble towards building a life that I can be proud of.

Thank you so much for joining me on this journey.

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