When I was younger, I would watch sitcoms and listen to stand-up comedians joke about the lack of sex in marriage, and I'd laugh—but never quite relate. I always thought those women either had low sex drives or weren’t really attracted to their husbands anymore. How naïve was I? Now, at 37, five years into marriage and eight years into having sex with my husband, I see those jokes through an entirely different lens. Life has a funny way of humbling you.

After I found out I was pregnant with my first daughter, Nola, my sex drive took a nosedive. Fear of spotting in the early stages kept me anxious, and I found myself pushing my husband, Shep, away every time he initiated anything remotely intimate. First-trimester nausea and pure exhaustion sealed the deal. It’s not that I didn’t love my husband—I just had zero desire for anything beyond a snack and a nap.

Fast forward to postpartum, and things didn’t magically bounce back to normal. My body didn’t feel like my own; it felt like my child's. Navigating breastfeeding, healing, and the mental fog of new motherhood made intimacy feel like one more thing my body was being asked to give when I hadn't even had a second to myself. When Shep tried to connect with me physically, it often felt like one more thing to manage, and I resented him for it, even though I knew he wasn’t at fault. It was a really rough patch that I wrote a lot about here.

Of course, eventually, we found our way again, but then... surprise! I got pregnant again. Add a health scare to the mix, and we were back in that place of trying to figure out how to be more than just co-parents sharing a house. We've been in the roommate phase for a minute now.

What Is the Roommate Phase?

The "roommate phase" is when a couple finds themselves functioning more as co-managers of a household than romantic partners. There’s no shortage of logistics—who's doing the school drop-off, when the baby’s nap is, whether we have enough groceries for dinner—but the connection you once had starts to feel like a distant memory. Sex? It’s on the calendar… but only in theory.

Not every couple goes through this phase after having kids, but I think it's more common than not. Between work, raising children, and just life, it's easy to slip into survival mode. We’re still the best friends, but there are moments when I miss those pre-baby days of our relationship when anytime, any place wasn't just an inside joke about Nola having a meltdown in public.

Why It Happens

There’s no one reason the roommate phase happens, but for a lot of us, it boils down to these:

• Exhaustion: Kids are amazing, but they are also tiny agents of chaos. By the time you wrangle them into bed, you’re too tired for romance.
• Body changes: Pregnancy and postpartum leave you feeling like your body belongs to everyone but you.
• Mental load: When you’re juggling schedules, careers, and household duties, emotional bandwidth for anything extra (like humping lol) can shrink to nothing.
• Loss of identity: It’s easy to feel like you’ve lost who you were as individuals, which impacts who you are as a couple.

Tips to Reconnect

If you find yourself in this phase, just know it’s normal. But if you’re like me and want to slowly find your way out of it, here are a few things that have helped us:

1. Date nights don’t have to be fancy: I used to think date nights required reservations and cute outfits. But honestly? A movie at home with takeout after the kids are in bed counts. It’s less about where you go and more about intentionally carving out time for just the two of you.
2. Small acts of affection: A kiss on the forehead, holding hands during a Netflix binge, a random text in the middle of the day—those little moments of connection can mean the world when grand gestures feel overwhelming.
3. Communicate openly (even when it’s awkward): It's hard to admit you're not feeling connected, but talking about it is the first step in getting back to a place where you do. We started with, “Hey, I miss you,” and it was a relief to know we were both on the same page.

If You Need Help, That's Okay Too

If the roommate phase is lasting longer than you expected or you're feeling stuck, there are resources that can help—whether it's therapy or just a conversation with a trusted friend. This phase doesn’t have to define your marriage, but it’s also okay to acknowledge when you’re in it.

I’m not here to add more to your to-do list or make you feel like you’re failing. Intimacy is so many things, and it doesn’t always have to be about sex. Sometimes it’s just about sitting next to each other, in the silence of a day finally slowing down, knowing you’re in this together.

You’re not alone in this. And the spark? It’s still there, waiting for the right moment to shine again.

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